These Freaky Things

Out of commission for much of this week (meaning i have time and energy only for work and not work plus the obligatory amount of pissing around wasting time i like to do on top of that). A sinus thing i had a few weeks back has turned into an ear thing,  apparently. It’s not an infection yet,  but in the interest of keeping it so,  i’ve been doctor-ordered to start doing nasal lavage. Nasal lavage is the process of filling your head (or at least the hollow bits of it connected to your nose) with water, all the while continuing to somehow breathe. As i did nasal lavage for the very first time, it occurred to me that  though it’s not the freakiest thing i’ve ever experienced, the sensation of intentionally filling my head with water is definitely in the top ten.

I mentioned this to someone and he asked me what else is on that particular top ten list. So i had to think about it.

Here are the other nine most freaky things i’ve ever experienced.

My vasectomy is definitely number one, because it’s a local anesthetic, so you’re conscious.

The first orgasm i had after the vasectomy is number two.

Number three would be getting broadsided off my motorcycle by a green Volkswagen Scirocco the Thursday before the Easter weekend of 1989, and being completely conscious and one hundred percent aware as i felt my leg break; felt myself go up and over the hood; felt myself hanging in midair for long enough that i could think about the fact that if i was in midair, i was going to have to come down at some point; feeling myself come down helmet-first into the windshield; feeling myself bounce off the windshield; then finally hitting the ground.

Number four: When Caitlin (younger daughter) was born by C-section, the sight of watching the doctor put one knee up on the operating table as he was pulling her out so that he could get extra leverage.

Number five was the one time i was weight training while at university and overdid it, pushing myself to some weird point of oxygen deprivation where i remained conscious and felt fine, but had my vision go strange so that everything for, like, the next 10 minutes was rendered wholly in shades of purple and yellow.

Numbers six and seven would be the two times (both at 10 or 12 years old) that i’ve had a real, actual precognitive flash of something that i hadn’t known was going to happen, and which then happened only moments later. Not some vague “Oh, this just happened and i’m sure i felt kind of weird before like it was going to happen” wishful-thinking inversion. An actual flash of the future, detailing things that i couldn’t have predicted because i had no reason to believe they were going to occur.

Number eight is the time in high school that the spirit of death came to me in the form of a dog seeking refuge from a thunderstorm.

Number nine is the time in about third grade that i stopped my bike on the edge of a dusty under-construction cul-de-sac up the street from our house, no one around, no houses, no dogs, no birds, nothing. And i looked up at the sky and for the very first time i became aware of the size of the world, and of its shape as it sloped away beneath my feet.

Number ten is the time i almost died stuck fast and face down in wet cement when i was four years old, having snuck with a group of friends into the freshly-poured basement of the house being built down the street from us, and when my dad subsequently saved my life.

It’s funny how close that last one came to being the only item on the list. All things being equal, i guess being around to think about the freaky things in life is worth something.